Category

Marriage

Take Charge of Your Life

By | Enjoy Life, Family, Featured, Marriage | No Comments

 

Are you in charge of your life or is life in charge of you? That can seem like a silly question but the truth is – many times we run around handling things, situations and people that are not on our planed list.  They are not even on the radar of what is important to us.  At the beginning of a new year, some people make “New Year’s Resolutions”- unfortunately by now, many people are beating themselves up for resolutions that have already been broken.  In this article we will take a look at one of the ways we can set ourselves up to succeed in the areas that are most important to us. 

Are you familiar with the 80/20 rule?  It is also known as Pareto’s Principle.  It states that 20% of what we do produces 80% of the results.  Need a few examples?

20% of the area in our houses require 80% of the cleaning

20% of your clients or projects  require 80% of your time

or

80% of free time is spent on things that only provide 20% or less of desired results

It’s important to remind ourselves not to get bogged down on low-value activities that are not that important to us and instead stay focused on high-value 20%!

Our goals, faith, dreams, desires, morals, and families – those are the important things in the grand scheme of life.  While we are not always in a position to spend all of our time directly on the things that are the most important to us – we can consciously choose to give those important things, those high payoff items – decicated time.  What we must do is find the high payoff tasks and work on those first or at a minimum schedule time to ensure they get done.   

Tips for High Payoff Items

Set a time for completing the task.  Saying I will go on a date with my husband is not good enough.  Setting a date, time and making arrangements increases the chances that you will accomplish this high payoff item.

Set a deadline.  Is there something essential that needs repair or attention?  Is it causing a bottleneck in productivity?  Do you keep saying you will get to it yet you don’t?  Give yourself a deadline.  Either make that deadline or explore other options for getting the job done. 

Need an example?  Let’s say the garbage disposal is broken.  It’s causing a slow drain and smells in the kitchen. Your wife has been waiting for its repair but it is slowing her down.  Your might think – just scrape the food in the trash, and use the other sink – however there is more at play here.  Unless you do things the same way she does with the same frequency you may not understand the build of trash, the mess that must be cleaned from leaky bags the children helped empty or the dog ripped into.  If it’s important to your spouse –it needs to be important to you.  Keeping your word sends the messages – you are important to me, and you can count on me.

Divide and conquer.  Some tasks are so large they are easy to keep putting off.  Have you committed to a special project with your child? Break the project into smaller steps that require less time. Example- did you promise to redo a room or build something but the room is a wreck?  Tasks to be done together in smaller chunks of time might include designing the project, selecting colors, cleaning, organizing, etc.  You don’t have to dedicate a whole weekend (while you could) when you do it little by little. 

 

You don’t have to beat yourself up or give up on the things that are important to you.  Decide to focus on what’s important to you by giving those high payoff items the time they deserve!

 

Love and blessings,

 

Sadie

7 Tips For Dealing With Money In Marriage

By | Featured, Marriage, Money | One Comment

Tips for Dealing with Money In Marriage

Money- is one of those topics that can cause major issues in a relationship.  Many couples find themselves frequently arguing about money or avoiding the topic all together.   Although money isn’t everything, it is a necessity in most parts of the world.  Used properly, it can help solve a host of problems; used improperly it can cause a host of problems.  You and your husband or wife need to deal with your money.  This is true regardless to your income level.  Money issues in a marriage are one of the leading causes of divorce.  If the two of you are struggling in this area it is time to sort out your problems before they get any worse. Consider this a high priority. Here are some tips to help you deal with money issues:

1. Plan a time to have a financial discussion.  Select a time you both agree to that is free of distractions and low in stress.  Try not to select a time when one or both of you will be overly tired.  Be sure that throughout this process your write everything down.

2. Look at real numbers.  Don’t just talk in general.  Look at exactly how much income you have coming in.  Exactly what are your expenses?  How much do you owe in debt?  What are you spending habits? This can be an emotional experience.  Now is not the time to point fingers or make comments on what has happened. This is simply a fact finding mission.

3. Once you know the facts, discuss your thoughts and feelings.  DON’T POINT FINGERS OR CRITICIZE Each person should clearly state their goals for money.  Talk about your feelings of saving and spending.  Be completely honest with your spouse. If you love to shop – don’t pretend you don’t.  If not having a large savings cushion makes you anxious, don’t pretend it doesn’t

4. Review your account structures.  Openly discuss your views and check them according to your core belief system.  To whom does the money belong? Whose names are on all accounts?  Do you both have equal access to everything?  Do you both agree to the setup? How will things be handled in an emergency?

5. Decide on your goals.   Think long term and short term. Create giving, spending, savings, and debt reduction or investment plans.  How much will you give to help others? How much will you spend on necessities? How much will you spend on fun?  How much will you save?  How much will you spend on debt reduction or investments?

6. Recognize what you don’t know.  Don’t flounder in the dark- get help.  Seek out educational materials, workshops, and financial advisors.  There is always more to learn. 

7. Work out who is responsible for managing the money.  Who is responsible for paying the bills? Play to each other’s strengths and availability.   Some couples choose to set a specific time to pay the bills together.  A cautionary note:  unless there is some major reason why this would not be best – both people should know how to pay the bills and access the money.  If ever there is a time or reason that the usual person is unavailable or incapacitated – being in the dark about handling the finances is very dangerous.

Remember, this is not a one time discussion.  Your needs, income, desires, and expenses will likely change over time.  Remember to re-evaluate, check and adjust your plans and habits. 

 

With love and blessings,

Sadie

Is your marriage on your todo list? It should be!

By | Blog Articles, Family, Featured, Marriage | 2 Comments

relationships to do list

The age old advice of planning for tomorrow today also applies to your marriage and family relationships.   How many times have you heard quotes like:

"Fail to plan and you plan to fail."

"A wise man thinks ahead; a fool doesn't, and even brags about it. Proverbs 13:16"

"Success tomorrow begins today"

For some personalities creating and following a plan comes naturally and with ease. For other personalities it is more difficult to plan ahead or stick with a plan.  Regardless to where you fall personality wise, everything can be made better in the long run with a plan.  Your relationships are no different.  

I know your family relationships are important to you. Many of you have shared that your husbands, wives, and children are the reasons why you do everything you do. It's not their importance in question. The question for you to consider today is : "How have I planned to show my husband or wife or child that they are important to me tomorrow?" (Of course it's not to late to consider today)

You see, so much happens over the course of a day, a week, a month – that before you realize it – time has flown by and you may not have shown those that you love most how important they are.  It doesn't have to take long or cost a dime. Make sure you add your loved ones to your to do list today.  

5 Simple Ways To Show Your Loved Ones They Are Important

1. Schedule a little time everyday to spend with them.  Even 5 minutes just chatting about the day makes a big difference.  

2. Leave them quick little notes to find. Things like: You're the best!  I'm thankful you're mine. Or I love You!  

3. Do something helpful like pack a special snack, wash the dishes, or shovel snow from the car.  

4. When you spend time with them- give them your undivided attention.  

5. Evaluate yourself- if there is something that you need to change don't be afraid to apologize and commit to making it right.

 

Love and blessings,

 

Sadie 

Don’t Let The Holidays Burden Your Marriage and Family Life

By | Blog Articles, Enjoy Life, Family, Marriage | No Comments

holiday bluesDon’t Let The Holidays Burden Your Marriage and Family Life

By: Sadie Foster, MA

While the holidays can be a time of great joy and peace, many find that they are times of great stress, depression and anxiety.  Be honest with yourself upfront – attack the issues not each other!  Let’s take a look at some of the issues and consider how to minimize and prevent them. 

What are some of the typical reasons for feeling down this time of year? 

The seasonal changes that occur throughout much of the country. It is reported that during this time of year, with its changes in weather, time, and sunlight many people will experience a decreases in energy, interest in pleasure, healthy sleep patterns, connection with others and overall sadness. 

Memories of lost loved ones.

Most people have the desire to spend the holidays with loved ones.  Some of the most cherished memories are created around this time of year.  It can be very painful to relive some of those memories or create new ones when a loved one is no longer with us. 

Feeling regrets

The holidays falling at the end of the year also serve as a reminder that the yearend has arrived.  There may be uncompleted goals, wished and desires to face.  For some, watching others who seem to be experiencing “perfect happiness” without considering that no life is completely perfect nor without effort, can spark many dark feelings. 

Lack of self care

Now is not the time to skimp on sleep, fill up on junk food, skip meals, over schedule yourself, indulge in unhealthy activities,  skip exercise, or play superman or superwoman.  All of these things are common this time of year and contribute to feelings of stress, depression, and anxiety. 

What can you do to minimize the negative and maximize the positive?

Take care of each other.

Now is an excellent time to get as much sunlight as you can, stick to an exercise routine, get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, make and follow plans, and ask for help when you need it.  As you are a team – lift each other up as well as hold each other accountable. 

Recognize That You and Your Loved Ones May Have Mixed Feelings.

Remember feelings aren’t good or bad – they just are.  Recognize that your feelings may go up and down, or change quickly.  Choose not to let your feelings rule you. 

 

Design Your Holiday

Given your current situation, how would you like your holidays to look?  What experiences would you like to create?  How can you make those things happen?  Planning is crucial to giving yourself the best chance to enjoy the season.

Don’t Be Afraid To Leave Some Things Out

There are lots of different holiday traditions. Some that you may enjoy fully, some that you could do without, and others that just don’t work right now.  Ask yourself as you consider which activities and traditions to keep up with questions like the following to help you decide which activities to let go of for the season.

·         Will we still enjoy the season without it?

·         Are we doing this because we feel we “have” too?

·         Does it cause more stress to participate?

·         Is there a safety risk involved?

·         Is there someone else that can complete this task for us?

·         Do we even like participating? 

 

Concerning Gifts – Remember The Greatest Gift You Can Give is Love.

Try not to allow yourself to be caught in the trap of overspending or feeling guilty because your financial priorities are focused elsewhere.  Do not create debt and  regret  over material things.  If you plan to purchase gifts – set a budget.  Give the gifts of Peace– choosing not to argue over unimportant things. Time – focus on yourself and your loved ones.  Take the time to create cherished memories.  Rest– take breaks without running all over tiring yourself and others out.  The Moment– chose to live right here, right now – not in yesterday, not in tomorrow but right now.  Enjoy the moment – it will never pass this way again.

With love and blessings,

Sadie

Relationships And The Power Of Your Words

By | Blog Articles, Enjoy Life, Family, Featured, Marriage | No Comments



 

Relationships And The Power Of Your Words



 

By: Sadie Foster, MA

 



 

Think back, with me for just a second.  Think of all the people that you love, the people that you feel the most alive around, the ones you enjoy being with.  How do they treat you?  What do they say to you?  What do you say to them?



 

Words have so much power that you may not realize how much they really have. Have you taken stock of how much power you have and how you are using it?  Let’s take a look at this story.



 

"He began his life with all the classic handicaps and disadvantages. His mother was a dominating woman who found it difficult to love anyone. She gave him no affection, no training and no discipline during his early years.



 

 



 

"When he was 13, a school psychologist commented that he probably didn't even know the meaning of the word "love." During adolescence the girls would have nothing to do with him and he fought with the boys.



 

 



 

"After failing at every pursuit, including a stint in the United States Marine Corps he married a Russian girl, but she also began to hold him in contempt. She could outfight him, and she learned to bully him. Finally, she forced him to leave.



 

 



 

"After days of loneliness, he went home, fell on his knees and literally begged her to take him back. He wept at her feet, but she laughed at him and made fun of his sexual impotency in front of a friend. Finally, he pleaded no more.



 

 



 

No one wanted him.



 

 



 

No one had ever wanted him. He was perhaps the most rejected man of his time.



 

 



 

"The next day, he was a strangely different man. He arose, went to the garage, and took down a rifle he had hidden there. He carried it with him to his newly acquired job at a book-storage building. And from a window on the sixth floor of that building, shortly after noon, November 22, 1963, he sent two shells crashing into the head of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy.



 

 



 

"Lee Harvey Oswald, the rejected, unlovable failure, killed the man who, more than any other person on earth — embodied all the success, beauty, wealth, and family affection which Oswald lacked. In firing that rifle, he utilized the one skill he had learned in his entire, miserable lifetime.*



 

 



 

Not that pain and suffering justifies harming another person, or excuses his actions but what a life!  I realize there is all kind of controversy around the assassination of JFK, so please don’t get lost in that.  This could be about anyone. For the sake of learning, let’s consider the story to be true.



 

 



 

How many of our children, regardless to their disadvantages are starving for love, affection, and discipline? How many children do you think only hear negative talk? How many could it be said of, have never had anyone teach them the meaning of love? If you are around children in any capacity – you have the huge opportunity to bless them and speak joy into their lives simply by speaking kind words.



 

 



 

What about the wife in this story?  I don’t know what life must have been like for her.  Maybe he was mean and difficult to live with – I truly have no idea.  From this vignette we do know how she treated her husband.  She fought him, she bullied him, and she rejected him. She laughed at him when he was down, made fun of him, and embarrassed him in front of others.  What a life!  How do you treat the man in your life? It is often said that people love you for how they feel when they are with you.  How do you imagine your words make your husband feel?

 



 

In honor of our wedding anniversary, I will leave you with ten loving words to consider sharing with those you love. 



 

 



 

1.   I appreciate you.



 

2.   I love your smile.



 

3.   I love spending time with you.



 

4.   There is no place I would rather be, than right here with you.



 

5.   I love the feel of your touch.



 

6.   You are important to me.



 

7.   I believe in you.



 

8.   You’re the best.



 

9.   You’re my king.



 

10. I Love you



 

 



 

Speak truth and life into your relationships.  Decide to enjoy your family, enjoy your marriage, and enjoy your life.



 

 



 

Love and blessings,



 

 



 

Sadie

 

 

 

Sadie Foster specializes in taking the mystery out of enjoying health, family relationships and life. Her systems teach the skills most  people were never taught, to overcome challenges and get extra-ordinary results quickly.  Making it simple to enjoy health, enjoy your marriage, enjoy children, and enjoy your life with actionable step by step yet flexible processes.  She has been serving families through counseling and nutritional psychology for the last 14 years. Connect with me on Facebook and Twitter!



 

 



 

 



 

 



 

 

* James Dobson’s, Hide or Seek [1974]

I Don’t Care About The Programs- I Just Want My Pictures Back- Protecting What’s Important

By | Blog Articles, Enjoy Life, Family, Marriage | 2 Comments

I Don’t Care About The Programs- I Just Want My Pictures Back-

Protecting What’s Important

 

By: Sadie Foster, MA

Have you ever lost something that in the back of your mind you knew you should have worked harder to protect?

Just the other day, I went downstairs into the basement and saw that out desktop computer was not powering on –hard disk error it said.  Yilkes!  I do not like those words.  The computer is older, it’s been around for over six years.  We use it mainly as the server- to network the other computers, printers, and gadgets in our home. For a while now, thoughts have crossed my mind like –  wonder when the last time I did a backup & are those documents backed up somewhere.  Because all of my recent  (last few years) documents and picture are on a different computer – I don’t think much about what is on there.  Honestly – I don’t remember.  Yet, a few days ago when the error hit – my thoughts quickly went to – I don’t care about the programs I just want my pictures.  You see this was the computer we used after the birth of my daughter.  I’m sure I have copies somewhere of most of the important pictures in various places but how can I know for sure what is on that disk if I can’t see it.

The programs are tools to make life easier, get a job done etc.  But the pictures – those are the memories – the things that make life great.  I should not have ignored or put off the thoughts of verifying backup and checking to see what was on the drive.  I could have worked harder to insure what was important and of value to me was secure. 

Are your family relationships much like the pictures on my hard drive?  Now that I’m in real danger of losing them – I’m wishing I had done things differently.  Checking the backup plan, dedicating time to ensure it was taken care of, regular maintenance, looking for signs that something might need attention, refusing to take it for granted. 

Most people don’t want to look back later and see what they could have done.  It’s often painful. Save yourself the potential pain and struggle – take the necessary steps now to protect what is important to you.

Make time even if you don’t think you have time

Do the regular maintenance

Treat your loved ones with respect

Look for signs that something may be off- do something about it. 

Our relationships are what make life enjoyable.  The things that most people don’t want to lose.  Decide today to do what it takes to keep them protected in happy healthy place.  Enjoy today!

Love and blessings,

Sadie

Sadie Foster specializes in taking the mystery out of enjoying health, family relationships and life. Her systems teach the skills most people were never taught, to overcome challenges and get extra-ordinary results quickly.  Making it simple to enjoy health, enjoy your marriage, enjoy children, and enjoy your life with actionable step by step yet flexible processes.  She has been serving families through counseling and nutritional psychology for the last 14 years.

Life Is A Story – What Is Being Written On Your Pages?

By | Blog Articles, Enjoy Life, Family, Marriage | 6 Comments

Life Is A Story – What Is Being Written On Your Pages?

By: Sadie Foster, MA

During my time as a hospital nursing assistant,  I remember sitting often with an elderly couple we’ll call Kate and Joe.  Despite things looking extremely grim, sounds of joy, peace and love were often found escaping from her room.  Kate had been battling cancer for several months.  They had not found out about the cancer early, there was little hope from the doctors as it had spread everywhere.  Kate had already made the decision she would enjoy what was left of her life in peace with her loved ones, without further chemotherapy treatment.

If you could see the smiles the gentle touches, and loving looks between the two of them and their children.  If you could hear the love in their voices, the smiles in laughter, the roaring laughter from some of the memories or feel the warmth from their touches – you’d never suspect she was so close to death.  They carried on as if the hospital was a five star hotel.  Even the requests for needed items had special names like wine for water and moo milk for IV.

The couple enjoyed telling me stories of adventure; trying new things, mistakes, and accomplishments from their life together and I enjoyed hearing them.   While Kate was alive – she was able her story.  After she was gone, Joe, her children and those that knew her  told pieces of her story in her absence.

What stories of your life are being told now? 

Often in the daily routine of life, we don’t take notice of the day to day story we are creating.  Right now this very instant there is a story being made.  Where are you right now?  How have you interacted with your loved ones so far today?  Have you left anything out that you want to add?  Have you added anything you wish you could delete?

While life doesn’t have an erase button- we can always attempt to make things right.  To correct mistakes, apologize for wrong doings, and work diligently to rebuild.  You are in complete control of your actions and your words.  You are the star of your own story.  You may not be able to control all of the things that happen to you or come your way, yet you are in complete control of how you respond.  What do you want your husband and children to remember about you.  How do you want them to feel when they think of you today?  How do you want to feel about yourself?  Decide today to play an active role in the story of your life – write your own script.  Enjoy today!

Love and blessings,

Sadie

 

Sadie Foster specializes in taking the mystery out of enjoying health, family relationships and life. Her systems teach the skills most people were never taught, to overcome challenges and get extra-ordinary results quickly.  Making it simple to enjoy health, enjoy your marriage, enjoy children, and enjoy your life with actionable step by step yet flexible processes.  She has been serving families through counseling and nutritional psychology for the last 14 years.

Do You Really Know Your Husband – Does He Really Know You?

By | Blog Articles, Marriage | 4 Comments

Do You Really Know Your Husband – Does He Really Know You?

By: Sadie Foster, MA

 

How well you do know our husband?  How well does he know you?  It is my belief that no one should know your husband or wife better or in the way that you do.    Let me say that again – No one should know your husband better than you do.  Yes that includes Mom, Dad and the BFF. 

You have committed the rest of your life to this person and they have committed themselves to you. There are so many expectations on relationships for happiness, support, pleasure, and understanding.  How can one possibly attempt to provide these things if they don’t truly know each other?

 Some of you are saying – come on – I know my husband, we’ve been together for 20 years!  That may be true, but what really stirs his heart? 

What are his fears, his hopes, and his deepest desires? 

Can he turn to you on his best day and his worst?

What color does he dislike the most?  

What does he do when he’s hurt?

What does he love most about you?

How does he handle rejection? 

In what situations is he likely to lie? 

What things turn him on and what things turn him off?  

Does he know these things about you? 

As with so many other things, in the busyness of life – the fun getting to know you deeper late night talks of dating times, can fall away.  Some couples sadly miss the deep talk phase all together.  Others forget that as time passes – things like wishes, fears, hopes, likes and dislikes change.  There is a thrill, a period of discovery – that comes with discovering new things about someone.  A deeper understanding of anyone or situation goes a long way. 

It is often said that people love you for how they feel when they are with you.  How does it feel to be in the presence of someone who truly “gets” you? How do you feel when you are with your husband?  How does he fell when he is with you?

There are many things that may cause couples to drift apart, feel trapped or have affairs.  As each relationship is different, so are the reasons as to why things happen.  When something is important to people – they tend make studying it and becoming an expert on that subject a priority.  Sometimes this is done intentionally as in studying a particular field, and sometimes it seems to happen by accident – as in understanding a particular sport that is watched.   I challenge you to make becoming an expert on your spouse a priority and help them to do the same for you.   Use questions like the ones above regularly to learn more about your mate.  Join us on Facebook to receive regular tips to help you enjoy your marriage.  Decide today to enjoy your marriage and your life.

Love and blessings,

Sadie

Sadie Foster specializes in taking the mystery out of enjoying health, family relationships and life. Her systems teach the skills most people were never taught, to overcome challenges and get extra-ordinary results quickly.  Making it simple to enjoy health, enjoy your marriage, enjoy children, and enjoy your life with actionable step by step yet flexible processes.  She has been serving families through counseling and nutritional psychology for the last 14 years.

The Time is Now

What Are You Waiting For? – Now Is The Time To Focus On Your Marriage

By | Blog Articles, Enjoy Life, Marriage | 6 Comments

 

What Are You Waiting For? – Now Is The Time To Focus On Your Marriage

By: Sadie Foster, MA

The Time is Now

Are you still waiting for your husband to make time for your relationship?  Are you waiting for things to slow down at his job?  Are you waiting until the baby sleeps through the night, your toddler goes to school, you have more time, or ________________________(you fill in the blank)?

Waiting for the perfect time is not likely to get the job done. 

Is your marriage relationship where you want it to be?  How do you know?  Have you checked recently?  Most important things in life, especially things of value are evaluated and tuned from time to time.  Think about it, cars have tune-ups and maintenance checks, teeth have cleaning and x-rays, businesses have audits and evaluations, jobs have performance reviews and potential raises, education has assessments and promotion, bodies have checkups and recommendations.

What have you done to check the status of your relationship? When was the last time?  Notice something about the checkups listed above.  They all recommended to happen on a regular and consistent bases.  Some you can delay and suffer the potential consequences, and others will happen with or without your permission. 

What are you waiting for? What will you do to insure the health of your marriage?  Are you diligently working to make love last a lifetime? Nothing in life happens without someone doing the work.  A happy healthy marriage relationship is no different.  Work does not have to be hard, it can be lots of fun.  Nevertheless, it must be done.

I’ve heard most of the excuses before. We all get off track from time to time. The bottom line is life is short.  At one point you wanted to be with the man you married more than almost anything in the world.  Now that you are married, are you willing to work to keep things special, to make your relationship the priority?  Toward the end of your days, when you look back over your life – your relationships with people will be the things you remember most.  Will you be pleased with how you took care of those relationships or will you filled with regret.  You can decide today to build those happy memories.  To not leave things unsaid, and untended.

I encourage you to take an honest assessment of your marriage relationship.  Look at yourself first.  There is a tendency to evaluate the other person first.  I challenge you to do the sometimes difficult task of evaluating yourself first.  Need a starting place?  I invite you to take my free self evaluation. Request it here.  You will receive it and other marriage tips by email.

 

Decide to enjoy today!

Love and blessings,

Sadie


 

Sadie Foster specializes in taking the mystery out of enjoying health, family relationships and life. Her systems teach the skills most people were never taught, to overcome challenges and get extra-ordinary results quickly.  Making it simple to enjoy health, enjoy your marriage, enjoy children, and enjoy your life with actionable step by step yet flexible processes.  She has been serving families through counseling and nutritional psychology for the last 14 years. 

 

 

 

Your Attitude And Behavior – Predicting Divorce

By | Blog Articles, Family, Featured, Marriage | 6 Comments

Your Attitude And Behavior – Predicting Divorce

By: Sadie Foster, MA

Did you know that there were certain attitudes that were predictive of divorce?  If you knew there were things that you could avoid would you avoid them?   Over the course of two decades, a psychologist at the University of Washington studied more than 2000 married couples.  Dr. John Gottman, discovered specific patterns that with an accuracy rate of 94% could predict which marriages will succeed and which will likely fail.  He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.   These behaviors and attitudes are serious and need to be addressed for the health and well being of marriage.  Let’s take a closer look.

Criticism

In a disagreement, is it important to you to determine who is at fault?  Do you make statements such as “you always_________” or “you never_________”?

This attitude and interaction style is that of criticism.  It involves attacking your spouses’ personality or character.   The typical purpose for the attack is to make one’s self right and the spouse wrong. This argument is full of generalizations and often comparison to other people.   

Contempt

Do you frequently call your spouse out of their name, mock them, use negative body language like rolling of your eyes or use hostile sarcasm?

This attack is on your spouse’s sense of who they are.  It is a form of abuse.  The intent is to harm them – to “mess with their mind”, to insult and hurt them deeply.

Defensiveness

Do you find yourself focusing on what you have to say with considering your partners? Are you likely to make excuses or blame everything and everyone else but yourself for your actions? 

The attitude of defensivness is one that prevents intimacy and communication on many levels.  It’s when one feels that they are a victim that must protect themes and prevent an attack.  Something as simple as eating the last of something becomes a big issue.  It is important to that person to explain that only ate it because the other person didn’t do what they were supposed to do  – buy more as soon as it ran out, or some other reason.  An argument is likely to be filled with statements like “that’s not true you are the one who…. Or “ I wouldn’t have if only you….”. 

Stonewalling

This attitude and behavior pattern involves checking out or withdrawing from the relationship to avoid conflict.  It’s the cold shoulder, the silent treatment, acting as if they don’t care.    The other partner often says things like talk to me – don’t shut down.  They are constantly requesting of the one that is stonewalling to tell them what is wrong.  The stonewaller may remove themselves mentally or physically from the relationship.  Sometimes the other partner gets to the point where they give up trying to talk about it because they feel there is no use. 

Can you identify any of these patterns or behaviors in your marriage?  Want to learn more about enjoying your marriage and family life? Join us on Facebook.  Decide today to make a change.

Love and blessings,

Sadie


  

Do You Really Understand?

By | Blog Articles, Enjoy Life, Family, Marriage | 3 Comments

Do you Really Understand?

By: Sadie Foster, MA

I’ll never forget the first time I sat in a session with a particular couple and watched them argue passionately over a point.  They volleyed back and forth.  Explaining how the other person was so wrong.  Telling how the other person didn’t get it, how they never really tried.  How upset they were that the other person didn’t understand them. It was loud, it was intense, and if it had been a television show I might have laughed.  Why?  Because they were arguing the same point and didn’t realize it.  They were so busy trying to make their own point that they didn’t realize their partner was saying the same thing a different way.

So many of life’s conversations are like this – parallel but not truly on the same course.  Here’s an example of two friends talking:

Friend A:  Guess what!  We are going to Disney World around Sally and Johnny’s birthday in August!

Friend B: I’ve been to Disney World!

A: Taking a family trip is something I’ve wanted to do for so long.  I think my children will love it.

B: It’s soooo many people there

A: Little Johnny just loves cars, and Sally can’t wait to see that castle!

B: When are you going – I hope it’s in the fall.  The best time is when it’s not too hot.  We went in July – whew that was rough.

A:  I think Orlando is about an hour from Datonya Beach – that will be fun too!

B:  We drove down to the beach when I went too. 

Can you see how it looks like they are having a conversation?  The general topic is the same, yet somehow it doesn’t seem that they are connecting on all the points.  What points are lost? The timing of the trip is lost, the plans and goals of the family are not shared, and questions are not asked. Friend A might feel a little worried about the heat.  Friend B didn’t get to share her experiences, give a few helpful tips and answer questions her friend might have had.  Friend A might feel like B wasn’t excited for her.  Friend B might feel like A wasn’t willing to accept her advice and experience. 

The goal of true communication is for all parties involved to truly connect, to be understood and to understand.  Seek first to understand. 

Now many of us think that we do understand, yet we already know what is best for the other person.  Consider this example.

Let’s say a wife is planning a date night with her husband.  She wants to do something new and exciting.  She thinks kayaking sounds like a wonderful idea.  When she presents it to her husband – Let’s go kayaking!  His response is no – I don’t want to do that.  She may feel hurt or as if her ideas are never accepted or considered.  She might feel like she is always the one to come up with the ideas, like she doesn’t feel like being the only one to work at it – so she drops it.  What happens then?  If they are like many couples – nothing happens; life as usual is what’s next.  No date is scheduled, her husband doesn’t understand why she wants to go and she doesn’t understand why he doesn’t want to.  She may even feel he doesn’t want to go out with her. 

But what could have happened if they had both sought to understand?  

She might have found that her husband was thinking kayaking was white river rafting – fast, requiring a lot of strength, and far away.  She might have found out that he was feeling self conscious, overweight and like he would not have been able to protect her if something happened.

In addition to learning about kayaking on a calm shallow lake, he might have found out that his wife craved something new and different with him.  That she missed the adventures they had during their earlier years.  That she was beginning to feel he didn’t care about her as much as he did before.

In your parenting, have you considered the impact truly understanding why your child wants or doesn't want to do something?  Have you helped them work through a fear or mistaken belief? 

Seeking to understand first can completely change the course of a conversation and a relationship.  It impacts work, family, parenting – everything.  Decide to seek to understand first and enjoy today!

Love & blessings,

 

Family Life – Actions Speak

By | Blog Articles, Family, Marriage, Parenting | 4 Comments

Family Life – Actions Speak

By: Sadie Foster, MA

It is common in our society to hear the phrase actions speak louder than words – yet what exactly does it mean that actions speak?  How do our actions really affect others and ourselves?  One of the most common parenting and relationship problems I am asked about has to do with listening. 

Parents tell me things like:

“They just don’t listen”

“I have to say the same thing over and over again”

“I have to yell in order for them to do it”


I hear from husbands and wives:

“I have to nag him to get things done”

“She never honors my requests unless I ask at the last minute”

“They never help me”

“They don’t hear me unless I’m crying or threatening to leave”


In other relationships:

“They always dump extra work on me”

“If say no they either ignore me or talk me into it”

“I have to do it all”


The truth, as painful as it is for most of us – is that we have trained people around us by our actions and lack of action not to listen, not to respond, and not to believe us. 

Consider this – you drive through a village where the posted speed limit for the entire village is 20 mph.  If you were guaranteed that you would not be pulled over or ticketed by the police, get hurt or hurt anyone else or cause any type of harm – would you be super diligent about staying under 20mph?  Studies have shown that most of us would not.    Why – because the sign says 20mph but there is no action to support it or back it up.  In a sense it is out of sight out of mind.

So how does this apply to you and enjoying your life?  Let’s start with saying no.  If your mouth says no and your action is to complete the task for the person that asked, or to allow whatever request your child made after being asked a few more times – your actions have spoken.  They have taught that person that you will do what they ask and that you don’t really mean what you say. 

When you inform your husband, children, or others – that you can longer take last minute requests yet consistently fill requests for project help, special meals, or trips to wherever – your actions have spoken. 

Let’s look at yelling.  If you make a request over and over and over again and no one moves until you start yelling, unfortunately your actions have taught that you don’t really mean it until you yell. 

If you tell a loved one they are important to you yet everything else comes first in your time – your actions speak.

What are your actions saying?  What do you want them to say?  Say and do what you mean.  Decide to enjoy today!


Love and blessings,

Sadie

Sadie Foster specializes in taking the mystery out of having enjoyable family relations.  Her systems teach the skills most  people were never taught, to overcome challenges and get extra-ordinary results quickly.  Making it simple to enjoy your marriage, enjoy children, and enjoy your life with actionable step by step yet flexible processes.  She has been serving families through counseling for the last 14 years. 

Your Family Life vs Your Priorties

By | Blog Articles, Enjoy Life, Family, Featured, Marriage, Parenting | 6 Comments

[display_podcast]

Your Family Life vs Your Priorities

by: Sadie Foster, MA

 

I once heard a great story about a dad, his electronic planner, and his child.  This dad carefully explained how important his planner was to his young child after it was almost destroyed by accident. He went into great detail about how it how it held the names, how to get in touch with, and special times to meet with very important people.   He shared how things that he had to do and important things he never wanted to forget where all stored in that tiny little tool.  His child responded with I’m sorry daddy –I understand why it is so important to you. Can you show me where I am in it?  Imagine his shock and the feeling that washed over him when he realized his beloved child, one of the main reasons he worked so hard – would not find their name in the tool.  Imagine how that child felt.

If we spend the most time, most money, and most energy on the things that matter most to us – what are you habits saying?  Now I’ve heard the argument before – that’s not true!  I HAVE to work – I HAVE obligations that I MUST tend to.  True – income must come from somewhere to provide for our loved ones, yet there is a lack of balance in our society.  How many times have you heard yourself say I can’t today or I don’t have time or maybe another time?  Does “another time” ever come?  Is it way later if it shows up? 

It is true that many of the things we are obligated to do have major consequences should we choose not to do them.  We might lose a job, miss a deal, get a ticket, or be the cause of something not going well.  Most people don’t realize that not making time spent with our love ones a priority also has major consequences.   Typically these consequences are more subtle, easy to blame on something else and build over time.  Ever wonder how a child grows up and the parents don’t know them? How couples wake up one day and realize they don’t really know their spouses anymore and they are not sure if they like the person they see? How respect is lost?  It has been proven that lack of priory, lack of time spent, and lack of communication are major contributors to relationship break down.  When a relationship and the people in it are treated as a major priority – its members can face and defeat challenges that come their way.   Decide today to evaluate your priorities – does the way you spend your time, your money and your loyalty match what is most important to you?

 

Happy Family Relationships – Do You Really Want It?

By | Blog Articles, Enjoy Life, Family, Marriage, Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Do You Really Want It?

By: Sadie Foster, MA

How bad do you want it? What are you willing to do to get it? What are you willing to give up? Let’s be honest with ourselves – most people spend way more time preparing for a wedding, special event or sporting event than they do for parenting, life or marriage! How many courses, seminars, trainings, and mentorships have you actively pursued and worked through? Do you regularly and routinely work on your skills, evaluate yourself and your family – address what needs to be worked on or do you just go along day by day?

My friends, your marriage and family relationships are two of the most important things in your world.  They have the ability to have the most impact on you and you on them.   Do you leave the maintenance of your car, your technology equipment, or your home up to chance?  Do you give them fuel, apply updates, recharge batteries, change filters, and empty the trash?  If you expect them to work – I’m sure you do the maintenance tasks.  Why then would we as a society expect two of our most important assets – our marriage and family relationships to work at peak performance without focus, knowledge, and deliberate action?  Seems silly when you think about it that way doesn’t it? 

Please don’t consider this a reason to beat yourself up for the things you haven’t done.  Consider it a friendly reminder, a word of encouragement.  Decide today to do the self evaluation, make the changes necessary, and gain the skills to do the work to get the life you want. 

A happy family life takes work.  Work is not a bad word.  It does not have to be something you dread.  It can be fun it can be an adventure.  Don’t buy into the belief that all work is terrible and something you have to hate to do.  A beautiful thing about work is when you do it well you are usually rewarded for it.  How much greater will the reward be when the people you are working for and with love you and want the best for you?

Where do you start- right where you are.  The most beautiful painting starts with a single stroke.  Don’t let anything or anyone keep you from reaching your family life goals.  

Love and blessings,

Sadie

Are You Ready To Begin Now?

      

                          Request and Read Your Free Special Report – Keys to Family Life Change

Sadie Foster specializes in taking the mystery out of having enjoyable family relationships.  Her systems teach the skills most of us were never taught to overcome challenges and get extra-ordinary results quickly. Making it simple to enjoy your family, enjoy your children, and enjoy your life with actionable step by step yet flexible processes.  She has been serving families through counseling for the last 14 years.

Expressing and Experiencing Love

By | Blog Articles, Enjoy Life, Marriage | 11 Comments

Freeze Time – the Value of 10 Seconds in Expressing and Experiencing Love

by Sadie Foster

 

What can you do with 10 seconds?  You could pour yourself something to drink, tie a shoe, or scroll through caller id.  Almost everyone can find 10 extra seconds in their day almost without trying.  What if there was something you could do to reconnect with your spouse in a major way that only took a tiny amount of time?  Are you up for a challenge? This assignment gets results fast.

Do you remember your first kiss?  Where were you?  Were you inside or outside? Do you remember the lighting, the temperature, and the sounds around you?  Take a few moments to remember.  Isn’t it amazing how vivid our memories can be?

What happened to kisses like that?  Do you still take the time to have moments that take your breath away? Many times over the years- we simply forget to be lovers.  How is that possible?  Work, stress,  children, finances, health issues, events etc.  take time and other important things slip away.   Many couples find that over the years, the time they used to spend enjoying each other is replaced by other things.  When this happens, loving feelings are often buried.  So what can you do about it?  There are many things that you can do to bring back and express those loving feelings. 

Here’s your assignment; starting today – you are to kiss your spouse for at least ten seconds every day.  It must be at least ten seconds.  No strings attached.  No excuses – get it done. 

Interesting kissing facts and quotes

 Lips are 100 times more sensitive than the tips of the fingers

“Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine”.  Song of Solomon 1:2, NLT

On July 5-6, 2005 a couple in London kissed for 31 hours, 30 minutes, and 30 seconds, making it the longest kiss ever recorded

According to Dr. Arthur Sazbo,  a study found that those who kiss their spouse each morning:

 miss less work because of illness than those who do not, have fewer auto accidents on the way to work, earn 20 to 30 percent more monthly and they live about five years more than those who don't.  The reason for this, says Dr. Sazbo, is that the kissers begin the day with a positive attitude.  A kiss signifies a sort of seal of approval, offer Sazbo and his colleagues, and they believe, those who don't experience it, for whatever reason, go out the door feeling not quite right about themselves.

"When you give someone a peck on the cheek, that says, “I love you,” but a 10 second kiss says, “I’m still in love with you!”
Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D.

 Kissing at the conclusion of a wedding ceremony can be traced to ancient Roman tradition where a kiss was used to sign contract.

“I can’t read lips unless they’re touching mine” Jon Troast

“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story.  It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender” Emil Lundwig

Do you have ten seconds?  Tell me your results below!

Decide to Enjoy Today!

Love and Blessings,

Sadie